


4x11.5 - LUNAR INTERLUDE: REST AND RELAXATION

by constanted



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Dramatic Irony, Gen, Lunar Interlude, Screenplay/Script Format, sad!, uhhh more screen adaption practice, weird format - sorry mobile!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-08
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-04-20 09:06:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14257587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constanted/pseuds/constanted
Summary: THE GANG GETS SOME WELL-EARNED DOWNTIME ON AN ALL NEW "ADVENTURE ZONE" ON [DATE REDACTED]After the whole Crystal Kingdom debacle, Taako, Magnus, and Merle decide to take some time for themselves. Unfortunately, said time for themselves means that it's time for them to do some emotional reflection. Merle and Lucretia enjoy a day at the spa. Magnus and Carey swap trades. Taako and Angus go to school. Tune in for "LUNAR INTERLUDE: REST AND RELAXATION" airing [date redacted] on [network redacted]CAST: [REDACTED] as MAGNUS BURNSIDES, [REDACTED] as TAAKO, [REDACTED] as MERLE HIGHCHURCH, [REDACTED] as LUCRETIA, [REDACTED] as KILLIAN, [REDACTED] as CAREY FANGBATTLE, [REDACTED] as the voice of NOELLE, and with [REDACTED] as ANGUS MCDONALD.





	4x11.5 - LUNAR INTERLUDE: REST AND RELAXATION

**Author's Note:**

> sometimes we want to write sitcoms  
> sometimes that turns into angst  
> sometimes we realize that maybe we should stop writing the spa scene over and over and over again, but, hey, oh well!

 
    
    
    Cold Open:  
    
    INT. TRES HORNY BOYS' DORM - MOON TIME.
    
    
    
    TAAKO and MAGNUS are chilling out on the couch, MAGNUS
    painting TAAKO'S nails. It's a very SLEEPOVER VIBE.
    
    
    
                      MAGNUS
             You want purple?
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             Nah, red. I'm in a Mood. Okay, Magnus, you
             don't do love, right?
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             Not at the moment, no--
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             Okay, neither do I, so cool. I just need an
             objective answer to this question, because-
             -
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
                  (sweet)
             You're beautiful inside and out, Taako.  
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             I know that, ass. Was Death hot, though?
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             I dunno. Might have been the adrenaline,
             but he was handsome--
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             I just can't piece this shit together, was
             he hot or was it like, a weird reaction to
             fear? Like, laughing at a funeral, or
             whatever the fuck--
    
    
    
      
    
    Five minutes later:
    
    
    
      
    
    We see a roughly sketched drawing of KRAVITZ taped to a
    chalkboard, and TAAKO is pointing the UMBRA STAFF at a list
    on one side of the board labelled HE'S HOT. On the opposite
    side, HE'S NOT is written.
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS and TAAKO are in active conversation about it, MAGNUS
    raising his hand to ask questions.  
    
      
    
     
    
    
    Ten minutes later:  
    
      
    
    TAAKO  
    
    Okay, so, listen, here's my argument, and  
    
    this is a little objective, but, listen.

 
    
    
                      MAGNUS
             I'm listening
    
    
    
      
    
    Twenty-seven minutes later.  
    
      
    
    MAGNUS  
    
    I agree, sure, but he also lied about  
    
    his accent. Which is just weird, not hot.
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO sends a MAGE HAND to write "fake accent" under HE'S NOT
    on the other side of the board, and then promptly erases it.
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             Okay, in theory, Mango, I agree, but in
             practice? Kind of--fuck, don't laugh.
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             I'm your friend and I love you, I won't
             laugh.
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
                  (whispered)
             The accent thing was kind of adorable.  
    
      
    
    MAGNUS loses his mind laughing.
    
    
    
      
    
    Cut to CREDITS:
    
    
    
      
    
    ANNOUNCER
             What kind of nasty things do our boys get
             into betwixt adventures? I’m almost afraid
             to find out in...
    
    
    
                        **The Adventure Zone!**
                      
    
    
    BALANCE, and then, LUNAR INTERLUDE: REST AND RELAXATION.  
    
      
    
    INT. THE DIRECTOR'S OFFICE - MOON TIME.  
    
      
    
    
    
    
    MERLE is halfway through explaining something to an
    incredulous LUCRETIA, who is pretty much just LOUNGING in her
    BIG OL' CHAIR.
    
    
    
                      MERLE
             So, are you in?  
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA  
    
    Merle, I'm--I'm your employer. This feels  
    
    inherently wrong, and I--I'm not really a  
    
    spa person, am I?  
    
      
    
    MERLE  
    
    Nobody's a spa person 'til the try it out,  
    
    Madame Director. And, eh, come on, you think  
    
    I wanna deal with Taako in a spa? Man's high  
    
    maintenance as hell. And Maggie's incapable  
    
    of sittin' still, so. You need a break, I got one.
    
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA
             Look, Merle, I'll go, but--we have to keep
             this on the D.L. I've worked very hard to
             make an... image. For myself.
                  (she pauses, shrugs)
             I have a rep to maintain you know?
    
    
    
      
    
    MERLE
             I'll be quiet.
    
    
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA
             Okay, so. How do you--spa. I--back in my
             adventuring days, I went to a spa with a
             woman I was--seeing. At the time. But. She
             and I, um. Were thwarted by monsters, and
             the like. So. That was my only spa
             experience.
    
    
    
      
    
    MERLE puts up his pointer finger, says:
    
    
    
      
    
    MERLE
             Take it from the master.
    
    
    
      
    
    We see a ANDERSONIAN MONTAGE, on a green background.  
    
      
    
    
    
    
                      MERLE (CONT'D)
             Swimsuit.
                  (two pop up)
             Wine. For getting drunk.
                  (a big ol' bottle of red)
             Flip-flops.
                  (brightly colored, patterns)
             Bathrobe.
                  (very fluffy)
             And an open heart.
                  (tiny cartoons of MERLE and
                  LUCRETIA'S faces pop up, smiling)
    
    
    
      
    
    And we cut back to LUCRETIA, who says:
    
    
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA
             Again, I'm not sure this is--really a good
             thing for me. Don't think it's my zone, by
             any means.  
    
    MERLE  
    
    Ah, c'mon, Lucretia, it'll be fun. You need  
    
    a dozen chill pills, Director.
    
    
      
    
    She SIGHS, puts down her STAFF.
    
    
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA
             When are we leaving?
    
    
    
      
    
    INT. DOJO - MOON TIME
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS is nervously knocking on the door to TEAM SWEET FLIPS'
    training area. His beard and 'burns are a little more freshly
    groomed, but otherwise, he looks pretty normal, as far as
    Casual Magnus Looks go.
    
    
    
      
    
    CAREY (O.S.)
             Come in!
    
    
    
      
    
    And he ENTERS, seeing TEAM SWEET FLIPS doing a crazy athletic
    maneuver, all about flips, and what have you.
    
    
    
      
    
    KILLIAN
             Orange Eleven!
    
    
    
      
    
    NOELLE picks up Carey, who curls up, and NOELLE THROWS HER at a
    dummy. Seeing MAGNUS, the three of them stop training, and
    KILLIAN tosses them some towels.  
    
      
    
    NOELLE  
    
    I'm a robot, I don't need that, Kill, I  
    
    dunno why you keep--Hiya, Magnus!
    
    
      
    
    CAREY approaches MAGNUS, pats him on the shoulder.  
    
      
    
    CAREY
             What's going on, bro?
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             Oh, I-, I didn't, I didn't mean to
             interrupt. If you guys are busy--I know
             that--new team member, and all, just--
    
    
    
      
    
    CAREY
             Nah, dude, it's chill, we've been training
             for hours. Gotta get Noelle used to the
             hard shit, but we needed a break, anyway.
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             I can come back, I didn't--I, uh, if
             there's a better time, don't-
    
    
    
      
    
    CAREY
             No, spill it, what's going on? You're
             making my anxiety, like, twenty times worse
             by avoiding it.
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             Carey, can I talk--can I talk to you in, in
             private, please? It's--kinda weird. I just-
             -
    
    
    
      
    
    CAREY
             I just became instantly pretty nervous,
             but, uh, yeah, I guess so--uh, ladies, take
             ten!
    
    
    
      
    
    KILLIAN
             Bye, babe!
    
    
    
      
    
    KILLIAN and NOELLE WALTZ out of the room, like, literally
    WALTZ. It's sweet, in its own way.
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             That's--that's beautiful. Anyway, Carey. :
             I don't, okay, I don't know how to say
             this. Um, so, in the lab, um... Your moves,
             they were--so dope. And wild, and--
    

  
    
    
                      CAREY
             Okay, I'm gonna stop- I'm gonna stop you
             right there, Mag, because... you're a good
             dude, and I had a lot of fun in that
             crystal kingdom, killing a bunch of robots
             with you, but I, uh, you're not really
             my... cup a’ tea, um, so to speak.
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             OH! No, no. I--do not do love. No, no no no
             no no no, no! No. I--I want you to train
             me.  
    
      
    
    CAREY  
    
    Like, in the ways of love? ‘Cause--dude,  
    
    I think it's pretty obvious, I'm super gay.  
    
    Like. Mega-lez.  
    
      
    
      
    
    MAGNUS  
    
    No-ho-ho, no. Carey, I'm--I totally knew you  
    
    were gay. It's--you and Killian literally made out,  
    
    for, like, days after we got back to the moon. I  
    
    mean. In your fightin' ways. Cuz. I have just  
    
    always punched? And kind of rushed? And, done -you  
    
    know, kind of thrown myself into everything. But I  
    
    saw you move and finesse and almost dance your way  
    
    through battle, and--I want to be more precise. I  
    
    want to, I want--I've done some things in the last  
    
    couple of missions that, looking back on, some  
    
    might say were suicidal. And I think that--  
    
      
    
    CAREY
             Oh, yeah, you've done some goof-ass stuff,
             Mag. You want me to take you to thief
             school, is what you're saying.
    
    
    
      
    
    He NODS, enthusiastically.  
    
      
    
    MAGNUS  
    
    Yeah!  
    
      
    
    
    
    
                      CAREY
             I think you're a great guy, Mag, but you
             are also the--just the loudest single
             person I think I've probably ever met. So,
             I'm, I--I can totally train you, but the
             question is: are you willing to be trained?
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             Yeah? I--I approached you--
    
    
    
      
    
    CAREY
             That was the first test, you passed it.
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
                  (yelling)
             Fuck yeah!  
    
      
    
    CAREY shakes her head.
    
    
    
      
    
    INT. BUREAU CAFETERIA - MOON TIME.
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO is sitting at a table, twirling the UMBRA STAFF around.
    He looks at his watch a few times, maybe every three seconds.
    
    
    
      
    
    Enter ANGUS MCDONALD, fancy and sweet as ever.
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
                  (joyfully)
             Hello sir! It’s magic day! It’s magic day!
             Sorry that I'm late! I did the math and I
             thought you'd be seventeen minutes, late,
             because you're usually between sixteen and
             eighteen minutes late to, well, everything,
             but--anyway. I tried to show up ten minutes
             early, cuz that's polite, but I didn't
             wanna be rude and make you feel guilty, so
             I did it based on your usual.
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             I’m already regretting this.   
    
     
    
    
                      ANGUS
                  (a little nervous)
             I can tone it down if you’d like, I’m just
             excited to begin my magic. My magic
             adventure into the - into the arcane arts!  
    
      
    
      
    
    TAAKO  
    
    Okay, holmes, let's start off by chilling  
    
    the fuck out.
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
                  (back to joyful)
             What kind of spells am I gonna learn today?
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             Look, remix to Agnition, it’s all about the
             spells you don’t learn. Really on the first
             day-  
    
      
    
    ANGUS  
    
    Okay!
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             How many spells don’t you know?
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             All--all of them? Like, I've--I've read
             spell books, and what have you, but I just
             can't get it right! And, uh! I know all
             about the principles of arcane interaction
             and sort of the different schools of magic
             and how they behave, I’ve done a lot of
             studying up. But for some reason I just
             can’t seem to get the dang magic to come
             out! It's kinda sad.
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO takes the kid's hand, steals his WAND out of it. ANGUS
    takes it back defensively.
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             Look, kid. A lot of people get wands and
             they think “Well, magic time baby”, like
             starting a car, but really a wand is just a
             conduit for the magic that has been inside
             you all along.  
    
      
    
    ANGUS  
    
    That’s wonderful! Really cute and  
    
    meaningful!

 
    
    
                      TAAKO
             Yeah, I'm pretty inspirational ‘n shit. I--
             that's a Taako Orig, TM TM TM, that line.
             So--
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             So how do I get that magic to come out of
             me, sir?
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             Put the wand down first.
    
    
    
      
    
    He puts it down like it'll shatter if somebody whistles
    within a mile of it.
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO (CONT'D)
             So, the first thing is: what if you don’t
             have your wand? Well that’s a good
             question, it’s on the table right? So you
             don’t have it. So here’s the first spell
             I’m going to teach you, are you ready?
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             Yessir!  
    
      
    
    TAAKO casts two different MAGE HANDS, and does BLASÉ  
    
    JAZZ HANDS with both them and his normal hands.
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             Ooh! I’ve heard of Mage Hand.
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
                  (bored)
             It is a cantrip, which is one of the  
    
    easiest things to cast. And it’s conjuration,  
    
    which just means making something out of nothing.
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             I know what words mean, sir.
                  (beat)
             I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to step on your
             thing.  
    
      
    
    TAAKO  
    
    Tryna fuckin' teach, kid, don't--Is this a  
    
    problem? Trying to salt my game?

 

 
    
    
                      ANGUS
             No, sir, I want to learn!
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             Okay, so let's go over the incantation.
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS tries and FAILS. A spectral hand appears, but does
    NOTHING, and it has TWO FINGERS--middle and thumb.  
    
    ANGUS  
    
    (sad)  
    
    Aw, beans, that was--
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
                  (oddly genuine)
             That was great! That’s a-- You did a nothi-
             something out of nothing! That’s magic,
             baby.
    
    
    
      
    
    EXT. MUD BATHS - AFTERNOON
    
    
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA and MERLE are CHILLING THE FUCK OUT, sipping on
    wine.
    
    
    
      
    
    MERLE
             This is nice, right?  
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA  
    
    I suppose I should thank you, it’s been a bit  
    
    stressful for the past. Twelve years? So I  
    
    guess I could use a break away from it all. I  
    
    appreciate you choosing me. I guess my question is,  
    
    why did you decide to take me on this spa trip with  
    
    you? I know I need to chill, or whatever, but-- 

 
    
    
                      MERLE
             Ah, well, you know. You are my boss, and we
             haven’t really hit it off very well, and
             you know, you and I, we’ve got a lot in
             common. Got a little bit more in age, than
             the other two young whippersnappers.
    
    
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA
                  (deadpan)
             I am so much younger than you. You have no  
    
    fucking idea. You are four hundred and  
    
    seventy-five fucking years old.
    
    
      
    
    MERLE
             Three hundred seventy six, actually.  
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA  
    
    Twas a joke, Merle.
    
    
      
    
    MERLE
             Not a good one. Gotta be further off. And,
             I mean, you’re still much younger than me,
             but, you know. You’re very mature. You’re a
             mature woman, and I’m a mature-ish man. And
             I was able to see: you know, this lady
             needs a break and a friend. I can be the
             friend, and I can help her get the break.
    
    
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA
             I appreciate you being considerate like
             that. Y-you understand - I try not to be
             cold, it’s just. I have to keep a
             professional distance from my staff
             members.
    
    
    
      
    
    MERLE
             You got a tough gig! Tough-ass gig!
    

 
    
    
                      LUCRETIA
             I wish I could, you know, go on adventures
             and - eat macaroons all night long and gab
             about--look, Merle. -this has been pretty
             confusing so far - Merle, I wanna know a
             little bit more about, sort of... you always
             seem to keep kind of an irreverent
             attitude, I think it’s safe to say? Where
             does that come from?
    
    
    
      
    
    MERLE
             Ah, basic insecurities. About my
             appearance, my height, my only having one
             damn arm now. Just always been that kind of
             guy! Hey, you know, why worry about things,
             have a light attitude. We’re not getting
             out of this life alive anyway! Why not
             enjoy the process?
    
    
    
      
    
    She takes a HUGE SIP OF WINE.
    
    
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA
             I’m surprised to hear you can keep things
             sort of... that light hearted and still be-
             -yourse--
                  (she pauses)
             A man of the cloth, I suppose. Davenport,
             when I... met him, he--he had that same
             sort of joy. I just. I worry that it's
             empty. That it's a show. Like with him. But
             it seems so... genuine, with you. And your
             faith, it almost--faith seems to contradict
             happiness, it almost seems. My brain's not-
             -I'm  so fucking tipsy, Merle. _Fuck._
    

  
    
    
                      MERLE
             I’ve never been a traditional man of the
             cloth, I’m more like uh - I don’t know if
             you ever saw the movie Fantasy Poseidon
             Adventure but uh, Fantasy Gene Hackman.
             That’s more of my role model. Fantasy Gene
             Hackman, you know, a priest who curses a
             lot and really doesn’t get himself tied
             down. And, hey, I’m gonna be honest with
             you Director, because - I’ve been having
             some doubts. Some conflict, some tests of
             faith here over the last, what -  
    
      
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA  
    
    Look, Merle, we’ve, we’ve both seen some  
    
    pretty existentially horrifying shit. How  
    
    do you go about keeping the faith when you  
    
    see such horrible things? I--I haven't been  
    
    able to. Ever. Never been able to--truly have  
    
    faith.
    
    
      
    
    MERLE
             Well, like I said, try to keep an open
             mind. And you know, while I think having
             that faith is important, because you need
             to have that relationship, and you need to
             have some idea about, you know, some idea
             about a higher power or a higher purpose.
             I’ve never been much of a church guy.
                 (LUCRETIA laughs, uncomfortably.  
    
    Her face looks sad.)
             I know as a priest that sounds a little
             weird, but yeah. I think it’s more
             important to just kind of embody the ideals
             and the things you wanna do and not make a
             bunch of rules for people. Y’know.
    
    
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA
             And you were raised a Panite, yes? Was it--
                 (she exhales)
             I just. I need to believe in something,
             Merle.  
    
      
    
    MERLE  
    
    Yeah, I was raised  in it. At first it was  
    
    “Yeah! That guy's cool! I’d like to be like  
    
    him!” And we had Pan camps. You’d go to Pan  
    
    camp and learn about Pan. And it was fun,  
    
    it was a great way to socialize with  
    
    people. See, there’s a lot of cavorting at  
    
    Pan camp. So, y’know, that’s how I kinda  
    
    got dragged in, and next thing you know,  
    
    I’m learning more about him, and boom bing  
    
    boom I’m wearing the collar. Don’t really  
    
    wear a collar, but you know what I’m  
    
    saying.
    
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA
             I--I envy that, Merle, I really do.
    
    
    
      
    
    MERLE
             Old Pan, though, I don’t think Pan really
             cares. Doesn’t really give a shit whether
             or not I’m his buddy or not. It’s all about
             how it makes me feel.
    
    
    
      
    
    And the WOODEN ARM, in a mud bath of its own, FLIPS MERLE
    OFF. LUCRETIA LAUGHS.
    
    
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA
             Oh I don’t- I don’t know about that.  
    
    

 
    
    
    INT. CAREY'S ROOM - MOON TIME
    
    
    
      
    
    CAREY and MAGNUS are j chillin'. She has a piece of paper
    with some NOTES ON IT.
    

 
    
    
                      CAREY
             Okay, look, Mag, I wanna do this, but--
             y'know, I'm gonna need something' from you,
             too.
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             Commitment? A willingness to learn?
    

  
    
    
                      CAREY
             No, it's just--there's a birthday comin'
             up, and I--I wanna--You're a craftsman, so-
    

 

 
    
    
                      MAGNUS
             Whose birthday?
    
    
    
      
    
    CAREY
                  (embarrassed)
             She's--big! Big.
                  (beat)
             Killian. It's Killian's birthday. I need a
             gift.
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             Aaaand. She likes ducks, right?
    
    
    
      
    
    CAREY
             Loves ducks. Calls me duckling, sometimes,
             it's--it's real cute.
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             That's adorable. My wife would call me
             bearcub!
    
    
    
      
    
    CAREY
             Same hat, then, nice. Can you--how about--
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             A puzzle box? Shaped like a duck?  
    
      
    
    CAREY  
    
    Yes. Fuck. Yes. Teach me, and I'll teach you.
    
    
      
    
      
    
    They FIST BUMP.
    
    
    
      
    
    CAREY
             That’s such a good gift I might teach you
             the secret thieves’ skills that I wasn’t
             supposed to--that my sensei told me not to
             divulge to anybody.
    
    
    
      
    
    We cut to a TRAINING MONTAGE. CAREY shakes her head as MAGNUS
    RUSHES IN during training simulations, and MAGNUS does the
    same when CAREY accidentally carves a DUCK WITH TWO BUTTS.
    
    
    
      
    
    And then we see MAGNUS successfully steal a BEAN from CAREY.
    We see a SUCCESSFULLY CARVED BEAK.
    
    
    
      
    
    And then we see MAGNUS pickpocket CAREY, but instead of a
    WALLET, it's SMOKEBOMB, which GOES OFF.

 
    
    
                      CAREY
             That’s lesson seventeen, homie. Gotta
             always carry a smoke bomb, smoke bombs are
             great.
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             Hold on now Carey, I did do the thing, I
             did pick your pocket, that’s just mean.
    
    
    
      
    
    CAREY
             That’s basic! Those are the basics!
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             So rule number seventeen is “always be
             aware that when you’re picking someone's
             pocket they might be a dick”.
    
    
    
      
    
    CAREY
             They could have just loose pudding in
             there!
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             Who walks - who walks around with loose
             pudding, Carey?  
    
      
    
    BOTH, SIMULTANEOUSLY  
    
    _Taako._
    
    
    Back to the MONTAGE, we see CAREY accidentally carve out
    EIGHT EYES into the duck. We see MAGNUS pinned down as Carey
    jumps on him from behind, and then, we see--
    
    
    
      
    
    INT. CAREY'S ROOM - MOON TIME
    
    
    
      
    
    The two of them are chilling on the couch, drinking shitty
    beer.
    
    
    
                      CAREY
             Mag, how’d you get that scar over your eye?
    
    
    
      
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             I-I got it in a fight. I don't really--I
             don't remember, when I think it was when I
             was, like, twenty? And--barfight, I was
             with--family? And--  
    
      
    
    
    
    
                      CAREY
             I figured that it was a fight. I figured it
             wasn’t like, a big paper cut, you filing
             some documents. You got hit though, right?
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             Yeah, I was--I was protecting...
                 (beat)
             Something. Someone.
    
    
    
      
    
    CAREY
             That’s the biggest thing for you, like, not
             getting hit is like, the whole job.
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             It was--I was protecting somebody, though,
             isn't that what was important?
    
    
    
      
    
    CAREY
             Look, Maggie, I think that’s gonna be the
             hardest thing for you, Magnus, you’ve
             always struck me as the big brash guy
             always willing to take the big hits so
             somebody else doesn’t have to. T-there may
             be a time where you aren’t able to do that,
             if you really wanna pursue this lifestyle.
             When you don’t take the big hit, and let
             somebody else do it. You’re surrounded by
             pretty strong people, you don’t gotta be
             the damage sponge all the time, you know?
             Merle's a healer, Taako's got insane flips,
             and--the rest of us, we're pretty badass
             too. You're too damn worried. You gotta
             worry about yourself, y'know?
    
    
    
      
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             Carey, I hear you but--
                 (he exhales)
             I can't lose--you, or Killian, or Merle or
             Taako, or--Angus or Avi or the Director or-
                 (he bites his lip)
             Y'all are the closest thing I've got to a
             family, you know?  
    
       
    
      
    
    
    
    
                      CAREY
             Yeah. Yeah, they’re pretty good, the
             Bureau. I guess I understand what you’re
             saying. Just--
                  (she smiles, pats him on the back)
             You don't gotta die to keep everyone else
             alive. Don't set yourself on fire just
             because it'll keep the rest of us warm,
             y'know?  
    
      
    
    MAGNUS  
    
    Yeah.  
    
    (he smiles, fiddles with his
                  wedding ring)
             I know.
    
    
    
      
    
    INT. THE CAFETERIA - MOON TIME
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS is still trying MAGE HAND when TAAKO ENTERS--he's got
    all five fingers, but it fades out pretty fast.
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             Heya, kid.
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             Hello, sir!
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             No spells today, we're just gonna.
                  (he looks like he's annoyed at
                  himself)
             Talk. Gonna do a little AMA. Hit me with
             your q's, Ango.
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             Oh! Okay! Uh. So, sir, uh, who taught you
             how to do magic?
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             Uh. Myself. Growin' up, I was a--a chef.
    

  
    
    
               ANGUS
             That’s right, you made me those macaroons.
             Those tasted so good I ate it as a
             Candlenights treat for myself by myself in
             my room.
                  (a little sad)
             I just cuddled up against the Candlenights
             bush, and there weren’t so many presents
             under mine but that’s okay. And I ate the
             macaroon and it was the highlight of my
             holiday.
    
    
    
      
    
      
    
    TAAKO looks GENUINELY CHARMED.
    
    
    
      
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             Yeah, so. I was a chef and I thought
             transmutation magic would help, you know,
             spice things up a bit, right? Nobody's
             impressed if you put mustard on a hotdog,
             because you had the mustard, but what if
             you- if you went into a box with just
             mustard and a hotdog and came out with
             like, chicken cordon bleu? People would be
             really impressed by that, right? And I--I
             needed a place to live, and if people like
             you, they, uh.
                  (he looks aside)
             The keep you around.
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             That's right! And that's very impressive!
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             Yeah, by the time I was grown, I, uh. Had
             my own show. I was a celebrity, you know?
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             I think I'd heard of you, yes! Why don't
             you cook much anymore, then? Why do you
             adventure, now? The macaroons you made were
             so delicious, and I wonder why you don’t
             cook for your friends more often, sir? 

 
    
    
                      TAAKO
             I sort of lost control. And I was
             transmogrifying things left and right
             without really thinking about it. Which was
             a bad scene. And then-uh.
    
    
    
      
    
    He sits down, grips the UMBRA STAFF a bit tighter.
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO (CONT'D)
             Angus, uh, one time I transmogrified
             something... I transmogrified it into
             something you really shouldn’t eat, ever?
             For life, to live, I mean? And, uh, a lot
             of people ate that. And that went, so
             sideways. I-I'm. Afraid, basically, like-
             Ha, Taako the coward, afraid of the only
             thing he's ever been useful for, uh. Um...
             I-I just decided I would never again cook
             for people I cared about, because I
             couldn’t risk, um, y’know, something
             happening to them. Until I get this under
             control, I guess.
    
    
    
      
    
    The UMBRA STAFF falls to the ground. He doesn't pick it up.
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             I’m sorry for making you bring that up. I
             can tell that it upset you. Why the
             macaroons, then?
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             No magic. Can't hurt people with no magic.
                  (beat)
             So, you wanna get back to doing magic, kid?
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             Maybe we should eat first.
                  (he thinks, for a moment)
             I have cup noodles in my dorm. Do you want
             some, sir?
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             Uh, yeah. That'd be great, Agni Kai.
    

  
    
    
    EXT. MUD BATH - AFTERNOON
    

 
    
    
    LUCRETIA looks a little tipsier than earlier. She's been
    going on a RANT for a little while:
    
    
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA
                  (near tears, but not quite there
                  yet)
             And, just--look, I didn't want this. I  
    
    wanted-I wanted to be an artist, Merle,  
    
    I wanted to-I wanted to live happily with  
    
    my family, somewhere safe and normal, and-  
    
    fucking Wonderland-and-
                  (she inhales, closing her eyes)
             my whole life I dedicated myself to the
             study and the service of other people's
             discoveries, of other people's adventures.
             I was a supporter. But one day I made the
             decision to... stop championing other
             people's heroism and to take the direction
             of my life into my own hands. And, I lost
             dear, dear friends because of that
             decision, but it was the only one to make.
             And-
                  (and a tear comes out)
             Merle, I can't fucking do it for much
             longer. I- miss my family. I miss my
             friends. I miss everything so, so much, and
             Merle-
    
    
    
      
    
    MERLE looks at her, unsure of what to do.
    And after a moment, he says:
    
    
    
      
    
    MERLE
             Lucretia, you _do_ have faith. You said
             earlier that you didn't, that you couldn't,
             but-
                  (he smiles)
             You got faith in yourself.
    
    
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA smiles, wipes her face, puts her glasses back on.
    Her giant wine glass is empty. 

 
    
    
                      LUCRETIA
             I'm not sure if you're right, Merle, but. I
             appreciate it. I just want you to know
             this, Merle, you and Magnus and Taako, you
             three have-you three have helped me more
             than you could ever imagine. I mean this
             sincerely.
                 (beat)
             Anyway. Can we get some booze up in here?
    
    
    
      
    
    MERLE
             Yeah, let’s do that! Here, lemme pour that
             for ya. What is this shit you brought in
             the first place?
    
    
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA
             Grape juice.
    
    
    
      
    
    MERLE
                 (smiling softly)
             How old?
    
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA
                 (flatly)
             125 years old.
    
    
    
      
    
    MERLE
             Ahh, you know, there's a name for grape
             juice that’s 120-something years old!
    
    
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA
             My, uh. My father. Adoptive. Used to tell
             that joke.
                 (she laughs)
             He thought it was funny.
    
    
    
      
    
    MERLE
             Well, that bastard's wrong, eh? We gotta
             work on your humor, boss.  
    
      
    
    LUCRETIA  
    
    Yeah.
                 (a soft smile, an adjustment of
                 glasses)
             Yeah, I suppose we do.  
    
    

 
    
    
    INT. CAREY'S ROOM - MOON TIME
    

 
    
    
    CAREY is holding up a DUCK puzzle box. It's rough around the
    edges, but it's cute--it has tiny details in the feathers, a
    gentle face.
    
    
    
      
    
    CAREY
             It's not perfect, but--
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             It's the best you could do. That counts for
             somethin'.
    
    
    
      
    
    She smiles and gives him a HUG. MAGNUS grins.
    
    
    
      
    
    CAREY
             You've been doing really well, lately,
             dude. I'm- I'm really proud of you. Magnus,
             I’ve actually had a pretty great time
             hanging out these past couple weeks. And, I
             wanted to give you something.
    
    
    
      
    
    She hands him a bag, which he opens immediately. THIEVE'S
    TOOLS drop out onto his lap, and we can almost see a tear in
    MAGNUS' EYES
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             For-Did I rogue good enough?
    
    
    
      
    
    CAREY
             We gotta keep training, but. Yeah. You can
             rogue. I can show you how to use those but,
             um, I bought those. When I decided to
             become a thief. I’ve gotten a way better
             set now, but um, I want you to have ‘em.
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             Well I have something for you too, Carey.
             Um--
    
    
    
      
    
    And he pulls out a RING, wooden, with a rose on top.
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS (CONT'D)
             I don't know how- where you and Killian are
             at, but. It's sized right, I- our gloves
             got mixed up in the wash. If you wanna to
             put it in the box, for her, it’s completely
             up to you, I won’t say a word. I just-  
    
    (he smiles)  
    
    I- I want you to be happy, I guess, like I  
    
    was with- well. You know. And she was- She  
    
    was a rogue. I don't think I told you that.  
    
    But. I want you and Killian to have what I  
    
    had, but. Forever. You seem-
    

 
    
    
                      CAREY
             And we are. Thanks, Mag, that's-
                  (she sheds a tear. lizards can
                  cry, y'all!)
             You don't fuckin' tell anyone I cried.
             Okay?
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS
             I won't, buddy.
    
    
    
      
    
    CAREY
             Hey. High five me. Right now.  
    
      
    
    They DO THAT.
    
    
      
    
    INT. CAFETERIA - MOON TIME
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS rushes up to TAAKO, box in one hand and tiny fireball
    in another.
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             Sir! Sir! Check it out!
    
    
    
      
    
    He shows off the fireball, preening a bit.
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             That is awesome!
                  (he catches himself giving too
                  much of a shit)
             Congratulations, Agnes.
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             T-thank you sir! I-- Did you say Agnes?
    
    
    
                      TAAKO
                  (laughing)
             You have done an amazing job. You know, if
             you keep it up, then someday you might be a
             better wizard than I am!  
    
      
    
    
    
    
                      ANGUS
             Thank you, sir, that- that really means a
             lot to me, I really look up-
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO starts to loom over Angus.
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             And when that day comes, little man, oh
             when that day comes. I will summon whatever
             powers I still have at my disposal, that
             you have not siphoned away from me, and I
             will take all of my canny and all of my
             cunning and all arcana still within my
             reach, and I will use it to strike you
             down. Little man, don’t ever, EVER, again
             challenge my power.
                  (beat. ANGUS grins nervously)
             It’s a monologue I’m working on, Agnes,
             sorry, that wasn’t actually directed at
             you. That’s from a one-man show I’m doing.
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             Are there- can I get tickets, sir?
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO ruffles his hair.
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             Oh, can’t you just conjure them, Mr.
             Wizard? Mr. Big Tough Magic Boy?
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS hands TAAKO the box. It's neatly wrapped, and TAAKO
    takes care in opening it. He spots MACARONS.
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             I made th-these for you, sir. To thank you
             for the magic lessons.
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             Aw, thanks. Hell yeah! Thank you so much,
             Agnes. I am going to enjoy these, in uh, my
             bunk!
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             Y-you don’t wanna eat one right now, sir?
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             Ah, fine, I'll try one.  
    
     
    
    
    And he bites into it. He looks a bit unpleasant.
    

 
    
    
                      ANGUS
             I know I probably goofed up on the flavor
             profile, a bit. I'm- I'm not so good at
             flavor palates.
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             I’ll tell you what: you got the texture
             exactly right, and really with a macaroon
             that’s the hard part. You gotta make sure
             to rise, one thing that might help is if
             you give the pan a little shake after you
             actually dollop out the meringue you can
             remove some of these peaks. And also sugar,
             any sugar at all. Would be great. Or, like
             cocoa, or something. Chocolate macaroons,
             those are easy.
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             Dang, that was it. Yep. I-I was wondering
             if you could use Prestidigitation to get
             some better flavors on these bad boys. 'Cuz
             we're- you said we'll do that one on
             Friday, so- it's like a tiny sneak preview!
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
             I could, but you really shouldn’t cross
             those streams little man. That got me into
             some bad trouble, I wouldn’t recommend it.
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             I understand if- no, I understand.  
    
      
    
    He looks SAD.
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
                  (tired)
             Okay. Fine, uh. I’ll just make these sort
             of... taste better.
    
    
    
      
    
    And he mutters the incantation for the spell, pointing the
    UMBRA STAFF at the box. But the spell doesn't come out.
    Instead, FIRE- the same fire from the RACE -does.
    
    
    
      
    
    And it burns the MACARONS to a CRISP.  
    
    
    
    
    And it burns the wall, too. An L, a U, and a P.
    

 
    
    
    And then, it stops, and the staff FALLS TO THE GROUND,
    TAAKO'S hand shaking.
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             Well uh, okay, I can understand if you
             didn’t like them sir, but that’s all you
             had to say. You didn’t have to burn ‘em all
             up.
    
    
    
      
    
    He looks down, starts walking away.
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO
                  (scared shitless)
             That’s not what I cast. Angus-  
    
    And ANGUS looks up.
    
    
    
                      TAAKO (CONT'D)
             Angus, that's not what I cast. Why? What
             does that - what is L U P?
    
    
    
      
    
    ANGUS
             Sir, I appreciate the magic lessons, but it
             sounds like you’ve just given me an even
             better gift. A new mystery to solve!
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO doesn't say anything. A LUNAR INTERLUDE begins to play,
    and we roll credits.
    
    
    
      
    
    Post-Credits:
    
    
    
      
    
    We see LUCRETIA, wrapped in a blanket, hair in a bright red
    silk scarf, enter the CAFETERIA. She starts walking toward
    the kitchens, but she is distracted once she sees the wall.
    
    
    
      
    
    She approaches it, and she traces the letters with her hands.
    
    
    
      
    
    And she frowns, for a moment. Her hands are visibly shaking,
    actually.
    
    
    
      
    
    And she opens her mouth to speak.
    Nothing comes out.
    

**Author's Note:**

> violetbeach.com for original writing, yahooanswer.tumblr.com for bad takes. please review!


End file.
